The Last Time - You’re Not a Baby Anymore
I have recently realized that my son is no longer a baby. He is a toddler now. A full-blown toddler. Jason turned 2-years-old on March 29th and it was more than just that birthday which made me realize he is now a toddler. It has been stacking up all of the visible accomplishments and changes my son has gone through recently.
I must admit that I am grieving this transition right now. My husband and I are only having one child which has been a very difficult decision to make. We struggled with fertility and got very lucky to be pregnant with our son and to have a healthy pregnancy, a straightforward delivery with no interventions, and a very healthy child. We also feel like our family unit of 3 is strong and we are happy with our situation now. Making the decision to only have one child raises the stakes for being as present as possible. These are the moments we will have and that’s it. There is no second or third opportunity to experience this again.
I am in a state of grieving and I am fully aware and accepting of that fact. When I talk to my husband about it, we both get very teary because we know that we are closing a chapter in our parenting journey and opening an entirely new one. We even talked about some of the things our son has STOPPED doing and how every experience and moment with our son is limited - he is changing.
There is a beautiful poem that my friend shared with me about parenting called “The Last Time Poem,” author is unknown. I can’t read it without crying because it is so accurate and puts these fleeting moments into tangible experiences and memories.
The Last Time Poem - Author Unknown
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
You will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same.
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget -
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
Your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
And do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
So while you are living in these times,
Remember there are only so many of them
And when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
You can’t tell me that you read through that and didn’t get emotional. It is SO EMOTIONAL.
There are many things that we have already done for the last time. This poem is so accurate because we didn’t even realize it was the last time for a while. Then one day, it’s like oh… I haven’t done “this” with him in a while or he doesn’t seem to do “that” anymore. As my husband and I talked about this, we actually had a pretty long list of things that have stopped over the past few months.
Contact Naps
My son hasn’t needed any help with sleep for the past few months. This is a double-edged sword right? I have LOVED the ability to sleep through the night and to rely on my son’s 2-3 hour daily nap. We put him down and he zonks out, reliably. That means we haven’t needed to rock him, or hold him, or rub his back, or do contact naps. My son hasn’t slept on my chest in months. That seems like it is gone now. My son asks to go to bed in his crib. He hasn’t figured out how to climb out of his crib yet so that may change contact napping or even begin co-sleeping but right now, he asks to go to bed and willingly lets go of us to go to sleep.
My son is changing. Although he hasn’t had a contact nap with us in a while, he has found a new love for his bed, a new comfort level and confidence to sleep by himself, and a profound love for his dog stuffed animal who sleeps with him each day. He makes sure he has his “dog dog,” puts his dog dog to bed, and hugs and kisses his dog dog good night. I never would have thought he would love stuffed animals and have a buddy to sleep with at this age. He shows love, affection, and companionship to his dog dog. I treasure these moments and can see the man he is becoming, even at the age of two.
Oh bubbas… I miss your snuggles, the weight of your body on mine, the smell of your hair, and listening to your tiny breaths. I miss you even though you are right here with me.
Referring to Himself as “Baby”
Jason used to call himself baby all the time. When you ask him “who are you?” His answer was always “baby.” When he would talk about things he was doing he would refer to himself as baby. “Mama, baby fall down.” “Baby eat nom nom.” “Baby ride big truck.” Over the past month, he has started calling himself by his nickname - Jay. Now his conversations look like this: “Mama bike ride, Dada bike ride, Jay bike ride.” “Jay eat pasta salsa.” “Jay run no fall down boo boo.” If you ask him who he is now, he is Jay, not baby.
As you can imagine, hearing him say his nickname is the GREATEST! My brain also seemed to hiccup when I first heard him say his name, it’s like my brain didn’t believe what it was observing and hiccuped. In processing the experience of hearing my child say his own name, I have some more thoughts. My son now knew his own name, his identity, the identity my husband and I picked for him. He knew it, he said it, and he was proud of it. His name is a huge component of his identity and will be for his entire life. That is a monumental milestone! Why doesn’t anyone talk about this as a milestone?!
Since Jason has hit this milestone, my husband and I also hit a milestone… we don’t call Jason “baby” anymore either. We don’t say “hey baby” or “baby Jay.” Instead we call him Jay, Jason, buddy, bubbas, squish, and all of our other nicknames except baby. I called him baby for 2 years straight and now that word has vanished from my daily vocabulary. Calling him baby now just doesn’t fit - he isn’t a baby. I know he will always be “my baby” but calling him baby just isn’t right anymore. That part of our parenting journey has ended.
I miss you little baby. I miss the baby Jay, the squishy baby, the happy baby, the crying baby, the hungry baby, the giggly baby. I miss you little baby.
Wearing Diapers
This change was a parenting-led change. My son is now potty trained at 26 months old. He is done wearing diapers; we aren’t even doing pull-ups. He is just done. This change started when Jason would tell us that he was going pee in his diaper. He would tap his diaper and say “baby pee.” He then would go into his room and get out a new diaper and lay on the floor to be changed. He didn’t like being wet or dirty - he wanted to be clean and dry as soon as possible. He also wanted to come with my husband or I whenever we went to the bathroom. He was fascinated… Yes, he came into the bathroom with us ALL the time. I also got him a children’s book about using the potty. He was OBSESSED with that book.
My husband and I talked about it and we wanted to capitalize on the interest our son had in using the potty. So we started potty training when my son was just past 2-years-old and he took to it like a pro. Minimal accidents, minimal issues, and a huge amount of interest and cooperation. We swapped out our diaper bag for a travel potty and change of clothes. No more changing stations in public places, no more purchasing diapers, and no more diaper trash (yuck). Just a little boy using the bathroom like a man.
Jason is now at the point where he doesn’t want to be on the changing table to even get dressed, put on pajamas, or even lotion. The changing table, where we spent countless moments together is absolutely irrelevant now. When we would change his diaper, we would tickle his belly, touch his toes to his nose, play peek-a-boo, and so many other precious and loving interactions. Those are all replaced now by a toddler who picks out his own clothes and can almost dress himself. The amount of physical touch between us and our son, now that he is potty trained, has drastically decreased. He just doesn’t need as much help. My son is 2… how can this be right?
I miss you stinky butt, I miss you wriggly alligator, I miss you baby belly button, I miss you diaper bag, I miss you diaper blowouts (maybe I don’t miss those…).
Feeding and Mealtime
Jason was an exclusively breastfed child but from bottles. I had to exclusively pump to feed him because he has both a tongue and lip tie. My husband and I both fed our son and I am actually happy that we both got the experience and bonding with our son through bottle feeding. As our son started eating solid foods and weaning off of bottles, all of that cuddle time and physical touch evaporated. The visual representation of bottle feeding also disappeared when we packed up all the bottles and pumping gear to gain back an entire kitchen cupboard. All of that time and effort to feed our son radically changed when we introduced solid foods, I weaned from breastfeeding, and our son’s nutritional needs evolved.
The high chair, splat mat, puree machine, and finger foods took the place of bottle feedings and cuddles. Our son rarely sat with us to eat anymore. He needed to sit in his high chair, obviously to limit choking hazards and so he could learn how to eat a completely new type of food. We had him use his hands, tried feeding him off a spoon, and just let him have a positive interaction with food. Introducing solid foods has been one of my most special times with my son. I loved seeing his expressions from trying new foods, being so awful at coordinating his utensils and his mouth, and being an absolute MESS when eating… ugh take me back to that time.
I kept a food journal of all the food Jason ate and what he liked or disliked and how those have changed over time. Here are some of his all-time favorite foods:
Blueberries
Green and Kalamata Olives
Feta Cheese
Pumpkin Oatmeal Muffins or Pancakes
Hummus (especially garlic)
Egg, Cheese, and Sausage Omelet
Corn
Vegetable Medley Puree (disgusting)
Applesauce
Steak
I was SHOCKED when he ate a kalamata olive and loved it. Then wanted to eat the entire jar of olives because he loved them so much. I was also disgusted when he loved a vegetable medley puree (corn, carrots, peas, green beans, potatoes, and olive oil) which I tried and wanted to gag. Jason? Ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
There was a time when he would only eat off of my plate. We would make all of the food together, plate it onto Dada’s plate, Mama’s plate, and Jay’s plate then sit down for our meal. Jay would NOT eat off of his plate. He would demand Mama’s plate. It was literally the same exact food, just sitting in front of me and not him. All I had to do was swap him plates and he was so happy. He also would either sit in his high chair or sit with me. He did that for months until one day he just stopped. He didn’t want to sit with me anymore. I couldn’t tell you what day that was, all I know is that it hasn’t happened anymore.
We rarely use the high chair now. He loves standing in his kitchen tower to eat meals or sit outside at his toddler picnic table. He doesn’t sit with me or my husband to eat. He sits by himself and eats with us sitting next to him.
Jason has been eating as a self-sufficient little dude for a long time now. He can eat pretty much anything with any utensil. He is leaning toward his left-hand to eat and is excellent at using a fork and spoon with his food. He doesn’t miss his mouth often or drop tons of food on the table or floor. He also drinks from an open cup with insane precision. He can fill up his own water cup, carry it to the table, and drink from it without spills. I mean, he does love dumping his water out but that is intentional and funny to him. Jason helps pack his own snacks and meals into his own cooler. He knows where the toaster, pan, and utensils are for mealtimes. He helps prepare meals and stands at his own kitchen toddler tower to participate in baking and cooking.
I miss you burpy and spit up baby, I miss you puree baby, I miss you sour face baby, I miss you splat splat baby, I miss you blueberry baby, I miss you lap-sitting baby, I miss you meal-sharing baby, I miss you high-chair baby.
Baby Smells and Baby Looks
I’m pretty sure everyone can agree that babies have a unique smell. To use my husband’s words “they smell like baby.” I know my husband is right - they do smell like baby and I don’t really know how to describe baby smell. It makes me think of the newness of their skin, the bathing products used, breastmilk, spit up, and diapers. All of those smelled combined are what I think of when I think of baby smell. I’m not sure what a baby smells like you to but babies smell like babies. Until one day, they don’t. Just like puppies have puppy breath, until one day, they don’t.
My son does NOT smell like a baby anymore. I don’t know when he stopped smelling like one but he definitely doesn’t smell like one now. To me, my son smells like a morning after it has just rained and it is slightly humid out. I can smell it in his hair - that morning dew smell. He might smell like this to me because my son is outside all of the time. If he could sleep outside at night, he would. He brings that outdoor smell with him in the cleanest and freshest way. He doesn’t smell like dirt or grass or sunscreen or anything like that. Jason now is my morning dew.
Jason also doesn’t look like a baby anymore either. My son is a little stud muffin. I asked my husband recently, “umm… why do we have such a sexy looking kid?” He has these amazing, cobalt blue eyes, a strong chin, a linebacker build, and the most beautiful blonde hair (Note - I do not post photos of my son because when he is old enough, my husband and I want him to decide what his social media presence will be instead of us determining that for him. I promise, he does exist and he is a handsome little dude). If you wonder what my son looks like, just take a look at my husband - my son is an exact clone of my husband. The only physical feature that my son has from me is his eye color. Everything else is my husband. My son is a looker and so is my husband.
To go back to when my son was first born, he weighed 8lb 9.6oz and was 23 inches long. He was a larger baby born with towhead hair. His hair was so light it almost looked translucent. His tiny fingers and toes were my favorite body parts to massage, to hold, and to kiss. I made handprints and footprints every month for the first year to see the progression. Even though I touched those fingers and toes, and even took a little print of them - when I look at them now, they don’t seem real.
Everything from that time doesn’t seem real. How could he have been that small, even though he was born a larger baby? I have a million questions about the newborn stage, especially when comparing to my son’s physical size now. At 2-years-old, my son is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. When you think about a 2-year-old, you don’t think of a child who is over 3 feet tall and weighs more than 35 pounds. That’s my son. He is a little man. A little MAN with the build of a linebacker and an appetite to match. He physically looks older than he actually is, and he has for a long time.
Some other physical changes I’ve really noticed lately are (1) developing little leg and arm hair, (2) definition in his biceps and calves, (3) getting a little line or definition in his chest, (4) losing more of his baby belly, (5) seeing his cheekbones and jawline, (6) having all of his teeth, and (7) getting his first haircut.
We cut my son’s hair for the first time on the same day we started potty training. His beautiful, long hair that has little curls on the end and hit his shoulder blades… we cut it. It was time. We were not doing a man bun and his hair kept getting in his eyes. So we cut it. That was an emotional tipping point for me…
When you get a haircut, a boy or a girl, your facial features appear different. It’s a fact and everyone knows it. Now, when you already have a boy who is growing and changing ALL the time and then you intentionally cut their hair - you have an entirely new face looking back at you. My son instantly looked like a different boy when his hair was cut. I grieved. I cried. I struggled. I looked at my son and didn’t recognize some of his delicate features. His baby features were eliminated and in their place are the features of a boy.
I miss you baby breath, I miss you smelly baby, I miss you soft skin baby, I miss you chubby cheek baby, I miss you toothless baby, I miss you 8lb 9.6oz newborn, I miss you tiny toes, I miss you baby carrier.
The Baby is Now a Toddler
Like I said, I am grieving these fleeting, precious moments. I’m grieving the baby while celebrating the toddler - who is still the same person but also not the same person. Jason is still Jason but he is also not Jason. Looking back at my journal and seeing who Jason was even one year ago makes it seem like he is a completely different person - because he is.
My son is an evolving, individual person who is becoming more independent each day. He has a strong sense of who he is, he is growing and learning, and he is developing his own personality. I think that has been one of the biggest transitions as a parent so far. I am recognizing him as an individual who can do many things on his own. I know that he still needs me but in new and different ways. He is capable of more and he lets me know what he can do, or wants to try, and what he wants me to help him with.
As a parent, this shift has been another growing opportunity. I am used to my son needing substantial help. Providing his nutrition from my own body, speaking for him, getting him dressed, choosing his activities for the day, changing his diaper, and so much more. In seeing my son for his abilities and interests, I need to get used to new things:
My son participates in his nutrition.
Jason can speak for himself.
He can get dressed, mostly, by himself.
My son knows what activities he likes to do each day.
Jason can now tell us when he needs to use the bathroom and take care of his own bowel movements.
Those are all substantial changes that mean, Mama bear needs to change her approach.
I find myself resetting expectations with myself on a daily basis. I also find myself “leveling up” my interactions with my child because he is capable of doing so much more than ever before. That is part of this huge shift from having a baby to now having a toddler. I am now interacting with someone who can speak in full, fragmented sentences. I see him experience wild emotional swings. I watch his physical development exceed all expectations. I hear him interact with other people and learn new social skills.
My family is going through a pretty substantial change. We have to adapt to each other and work through a deeper level of connection, understanding, and patience. There are many challenges and opportunities ahead and I’ve started writing down some of them:
New abilities - riding a bike without training wheels, climbing out of the crib, talking in complete sentences, learning numbers and letters, etc…
New routines and schedules - keeping that one nap of the day (fingers crossed), longer wake windows, more family freedom to do activities, etc…
New emotions - tantrums, screaming, throwing things, hitting, etc…
All of these new things, and more, will change our family dynamic and will allow each of us to experiment until we find something that works. I am not naive to the fact that toddler town is going to have challenges. I am also SO excited for this season because my son is the GOAT. He just is. I can’t describe him in any other way. He is literally the greatest of all time.Whenever someone asks me about Jason, all I can say to describe him is just that “he is the best, just the best” followed by something so ridiculously cute to give them an example of how amazing he really is. I am in love with this toddler stage even though I get whiplash from his emotional swings or need an injection of patience and deep breaths to work through things with him… this is the GOAT season.
My toddler is a hilarious prankster who has the sweetest heart, the loudest scream, and the strongest body ever. Jason’s laugh is my favorite sound in the world. It is a belly laugh that makes him throw his head back and cackle because he is so enthralled in joy. How can I not call him the GOAT at moments like that? Jason also has a fierce sense of purpose and is a stubborn mule - if he wants to go outside, he will let you know and he will use only a shred of patience before shrieking to get what he wants, even at 6:30am when the caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet. Is he the GOAT at that time too? Oh yes. Oh yes… little rage baby.
I also think it is hilarious that my son now calls my husband, his dad, by his first name. Jason calls his dad Joe. If you ask Jason “who is Dada?” Jason will say “Joe Joe.” If Jason is looking for his Dada he will say “Dada, Joe Joe!” If you ask Jason “who is Mama?” Jason will say “Mama.” If you try and tell Jason that Mama’s name is Elizabeth, then he will say, “No, Mama. Mama.”
I truly believe that toddler time is going to be the GOAT. Even though I am grieving the baby season and who my son used to be… I see so much fun, connection, and love ahead. I do miss my baby and every little moment with him. I also see my son for who he is now and will be as present as possible to soak up each one of these experiences and memories with him. There will be many more last times with him in the near future. I won’t know when they happen until they have already happened. But until then… I’m living in the here and now.
