When I Didn’t Trust My Instincts

My instincts were just wrong last night and this morning, I realized my mistake. I’m ashamed, I’m embarrassed, and I’m really angry with myself. 

Before reading on, know that my son is just fine. I just want to share what happened.

My 2 year old son, Jason, woke up in the middle of the night last night. That is very out of the ordinary for him. He sleeps really well so for him to be up in the middle of the night is a shock. After giving him some time to try and fall back asleep on his own, I got up to check on him. 

I went through my usual mental checklist when checking on him:

1. Talk to him and touch his head and face to feel his temperature.

2. Listen to his breathing to see if his nose is plugged or snotty. 

3. Check to see if he went to the bathroom in his bed (we are potty training).

4. Decide if I’m taking him out of the crib or trying to help him go back to sleep on his own.

Here was my assessment:

1. He feels warm but not like sweaty warm, just warm. 

2. He is talking to me and not crying or screaming, just talking. 

3. His voice and airway sounds normal, no snot or congestion. 

4. He did go pee and was wet. 

5. I needed to take him out of the crib to change him and the sheets. 

6. Overall reason for waking up in the middle of the night - he was wet and uncomfortable.

So I did what any parent would do. I got him changed out of his wet clothes and cleaned up. As I was getting him cleaned up, I thought again, he feels warm. 

I asked him - Are you warm? No. Are you cold? No. Does your stomach hurt? No. 

Okay. That’s what he said. 

There is a certain amount of trust I have with my son. When he is hot or cold, he tells me. When his stomach hurts, he tells me. He tells me and I believe him not just because of his spoken word but because of his behavior too. When he is cold and he says he is cold, he has shivered and had goose bumps. When his stomach has hurt he is rubbing his stomach as he says his stomach hurts and then a couple minutes later he is in the bathroom taking a massive poop. 

So, I mean, I believe him 9 times out of 10. 

I just had this little nagging feeling in the back of my head, I should take his temperature, and then it was gone. 

I thought about it, but didn’t act on it.

I cuddled with Jason, I helped him get back to sleep, and after 2 hours we were both snoozing.

That morning, I told my husband about our night and that I thought Jason felt a little warm but otherwise he was fine. Joe asked me if I took his temperature and I said I didn’t. As I said it, I then justified why I didn’t. I repeated to Joe what I asked Jason and that I thought he was okay. He was acting fine, no screaming or crying like he was in discomfort, and then I said… I should’ve taken his temperature. I don’t really know why I didn’t, I just didn’t.

Jason woke up a little bit later to start the day. Joe and I both went in to wake him up that morning. Joe immediately said, yeah he is really warm and we need to take his temperature. So we did, together. 

Jason’s temperature was 100.0.

Oh no… he has had a fever all night and I did NOTHING. I didn’t listen to myself when I had that one moment of pause to check his temperature. 

I immediately got the children’s tylenol to help him start attacking his fever. As I’m drawing up the milliliters, I am just shocked and angry with myself. I didn’t want to look my husband in the eye. We both knew that I missed his fever, which was right in front of my face, and that our son had been working through this on his own for the past few hours.

I’m angry with myself. I’m really disappointed with myself. I’m also scared. Scared for my son who has been overheated for hours now. Scared that I missed something so blatantly obvious that directly impacts the health of my child. 

I don’t miss things like this. I never do. I am the person in the family who notices, who thinks, and who acts. But last night, I didn’t and I don’t know why. I really don’t and that is shaking me to my core. The 1 time of out 10 when my son tells me what is going on with his body that isn’t true. The one time when I don’t listen to my instincts… 

This morning, I had really negative thoughts and perspectives toward myself. I thought - wow, you don’t have the mothering instinct. I yelled at myself - That was so obvious, DO BETTER IDIOT! I cried with guilt and shame thinking that something could have seriously gone wrong last night. 

My husband told me that I don’t need to be so hard on myself. That we are not going to be perfect and we can just learn from this, together. I know that. Deep down, I really do know that. 

AND… 

I still feel stupid, guilty, scared, angry, ashamed, and embarrassed. I know that I will do better next time, I know that I will get many more chances to do better, and I am so relieved that this mistake didn’t impact my son’s overall health. 

I am sharing this with you because I am not always going to share the perfect moments in my life. I want to share real moments of learning, real situations that have humbled me, and real things that happen. If you have had a moment that was less than stellar, just know that I have too. I have and will continue to make mistakes.

What I’m trying to do better with myself is to accept and forgive my mistakes so that I can grow, each day, into the mother I want to become. Each day is a learning opportunity not just for my child, but for myself too. There is no shame in learning. There is only immense opportunity.