To My Friends

I have been thinking a lot about the community of people I surround myself with and those who I can call to talk or want to go spend time with. Honestly, it is a pretty small community with some friends who live close by, others who live at least an hour drive away, and even others who live clear across the country. 

It has made me wonder about the type of friends I have in my “village” of support. Not saying that I have bad friends, I am wondering about the type of friendships I have. 

“When friendships are real, they are not glass threads or frostwork, but the solidest things we can know.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

For example, I have insanely strong and long-lasting friendships with people I went to middle-school with. I know they are my best friends. AND, I also don’t see them very often. How can I be best friends with two people who I don’t see very often? We have the kind of friendship where we may not talk or text all of the time and we may not see each other frequently but… when I see them, I am my most authentic self and it’s like we pick right back up where we left off. No awkwardness, no superficial talk, no weirdness. Just us being the best of friends together. 

My two besties from school are also the people I actually call on the phone. I enjoy talking to them and hearing their voices so much more than texting them. I want to hear their laugh and hear how they are actually doing, which you can’t do when texting or liking their video on Instagram. I have the most vulnerable conversations with my two best friends from school. I tell them what is actually going on in my life, my marriage, and my struggles. They listen to me, they ask me questions, and they don’t judge me for it. They know that I am doing my best and they want to help me be the best version of myself. I need them both in my life and I love them dearly.

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” - Muhammad Ali 

There are, though, some things that I don’t talk about in detail with my besties from school. One of which is some things that I am working through as a mother. Both of my besties do not have children of their own or any step children. It’s not that they don’t interact with or love kids, they just don’t have kids of their own and they are not parents. When I wasn’t a mother, I used to think that I could listen to and understand another mother talk about her pregnancy, her breastfeeding, her postpartum, or her kids. Knowing what I know now… it’s really really difficult to actually know unless you know. IYKYK… if you don’t, then you don’t. 

I have mom friends. I have the BEST mom friends a woman could ask for. Two of my mom friends live within 15 minutes of me and I absolutely adore them. They both work full-time, like I do, they both have had fertility struggles, like I do, they both have boys, like I do, and they are just amazing, inspiring human-beings. Whenever the three of us get together and just talk or go for a walk, I feel my cup being poured back into. I love them both and I need them in my life. 

I also have awe-inspiring mom friends who live out of State. I used to live in Utah, my husband and I relocated for work for a few years, and I met the most amazing friends at work who helped me transition into motherhood. These women are so giving, regularly check-in on me, and ask me how they can help - even if they live over 2,000 miles away. I call them, I’ve cried with them, and they have given me some of the best mothering advice. I truly enjoy having mom friends who are at all different stages of motherhood. Some have newborns, some have toddlers (like I do), some have teenagers, and some are empty-nesters. Each mother is a warrior, a beautiful spirit, and an inspiration. 

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” - Walter Winchell 

I have besties, I have mom friends, and I have career friends too. Gosh, do I need a foxhole buddy at work right? The person that you can just talk mad shit about work with. Someone who you can call and explain what is happening, vent, and then shake it off with. Let’s be honest, even though we only work at our jobs, women take their careers very seriously and can even identify a piece of their self-work with their success at work. I am 100% one of those women. I want to succeed and I also want to bang my head against the wall when stupid stuff happens at work. 

One of my greatest work friends is actually someone who I haven’t worked with in over 5 years. She was a huge mentor of mine and moved to Atlanta a year before I moved to Utah. She taught me more about healthcare, joint ventures, career development, and prioritizing motherhood than anyone else. I envy her New Jersey accent and personality - she is a force to reckon with and also the most personable female leader I’ve ever worked with. 

I also have many female mentors at my current company who are dear friends to me. They have saved my personal sanity more than once, they motivated me to be a better person at work because they relied on me, and they also supported my career development even though that meant moving on to a new role. I’m not sure what it is about working with strong, talented, women leaders. When women support other women, we are unstoppable. When women compete or tear down other women, then we are the force who stops each other. Women hating on women is so real and I will never fully understand it. I am so grateful for the women I’ve surrounded myself with at work - each one of you are so talented and I have the utmost respect for you. 

I also have some friendships that I would label as more superficial and are based on association. Such as, I am friends with some older women who go to the same yoga studio that I go to. Every time I go, we chat and catch up, but we have never exchanged phone numbers or done anything outside of the yoga class. That’s okay. I also have some friendships with women who are in my husband’s life such as my husband’s friend’s wife. When we get together with my husband’s friend and his wife, we are friendly and have a good time but it doesn’t extend from there. That’s okay too. 

I wish there was more time for me to spend with my friends. I also know that I have such limited time since I work, I am a mother, I’m a wife, and I also have my own personal life. Figuring out how to be an adult and do adult things while “squeezing in” time for friends can be a juggle. I think that is why I have the village of friends that I do right now. My friends have known me long enough to know who I am and have the understanding that my life can be a little crazy. Finding time to talk or get together is limited and even though that is true, my friends accept and understand that. I mean, they have lives of their own too right? 

I’ve been thinking about how to make new friends as an adult too. Am I the only adult who finds it difficult to make new adult friends? I mean… I like to think that I am a nice person who can hold a conversation with another person and am pleasant to be around. If you are my friend right now, then at least tell me if I am a good friend or a good person who can make more friends… 

I feel like making new friends as an adult is SO hard. Yes, I have limited time. Yes, friendships do take time. I also feel like an awkward turtle asking another woman if I could have her phone number so we can be friends. Like… what am I? Asking her out? Good grief… I am so glad I’m not a guy who had to ask out girls haha! 

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” - Albert Schweitzer

Recently, I went to the local park by my house with my son and my husband. We just got to the park when my husband, Joe, heard his name from across the park. It was his high school friend who he used to play football with and they even worked at the same restaurant. His high school friend was at the park with his wife and daughter. I introduced myself and started the small talk dance with her. I just instantly liked her. She was so kind and soft-spoken. I asked her how she met her husband and she told me this cute story and even said that her and her husband are 7 years apart. So are Joe and I. She said that they love to travel and are currently being nomads because they sold their house and are traveling the U.S. Umm… that’s awesome, tell me more, and how the heck do you do that with your daughter? 

Then we started talking about her daughter who just turned 2-years-old, so is my son. She then asked me if we were trying for another baby and I said that we made the really hard decision to just have 1 child. She asked me if I would share more with her so I did. I told her about our fertility struggles and that at this point, we are just really happy with our family of 3. She then shared with me that she is actually having fertility issues and asked me what my experience was like. 

I mean I could go on and on about the conversation we had while at the park. The only other thing I’ll say is that we both stumbled over each other asking each other to be friends and if we could exchange phone numbers. I literally said “you are such a kind woman and I really like you, can we be friends?” So, I made a new friend at the park - who said that only kids can make friends at the park??

Now, I have her phone number and she has mine. I texted her that night and just told her how nice it was to meet her and that I wanted to find a time to get together. Here we go, trying to make a new friend and build my village with other strong women. 

I literally have no idea how to make new friends. I know that having a village of friends who support me in different ways is incredibly important. I also know that my friends are wonderful human-beings who need support too. Being friends with someone is never a one-way street. Yes, everyone’s life is busy and things can get out of hand AND that doesn’t mean your friendships will still be there if you don’t invest in them too. Making new friends and maintaining your existing friendships are two totally different things. Both are incredibly important. 

“A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” - Lois Wyse 

I also have the most wonderful friendship with my husband. Joe is my all-time best friend. I can’t even put into words how lucky I am that my husband has chosen to spend his life with me. To share his humor, his wit, his fears, his goals, his joy, his sadness, his love, his adventure, his fatherhood, his aging, his health, and his time is the greatest gift one adult can give to another. All of the quotes I’ve put in this post represent Joe. He is a connection to life, his is the kindling to my inner fire, and his is the solid foundation. Describing our friendship is incredibly difficult and if you know what I’m trying to say, then that is all you need to know.