Reactions from Other Mothers when Telling them You’re Pregnant
A lifelong friend just told me she is pregnant!! I could tell from her voice that she was really excited but also nervous. Really really nervous. This is her first, viable pregnancy and she is about 8 weeks along. She kept saying things like “it will be fine” and “we will just see how things go.” I remember saying those same things in the early part of my first trimester with my son.
I asked her how she told her husband and to just give me ALL the details because I am just so happy for her. We have been friends since high school and she supported me when I was pregnant and now it was my turn to be there for her. I just ate up every morsel that she gave me. How exciting! Their family is growing, she and the baby are healthy, they are making plans for the future. It just a whimsical time to be in love with your future.
I asked her who else she told and what some of her friends had to say. Like me, many of her friends have a baby. My son is the oldest of the group at 2.5 years and then there are other babies ranging from 20 months down to 8 months. So I would say a good group of mothers who are at different seasons of survival mode and toddler-ville.
My friend’s experience with telling close friends and family that she is pregnant has been a little bit of a downer. My friend has told me that other moms say “oh just wait until…” or “oh you have no idea how hard x, y, z is…” or “oh my pregnancy was terrible and blah blah blah…”
All of those things may be true. Well… they are definitely true. Such as:
Oh just wait until your baby is crying so loudly and you have no idea how to help soothe them.
Oh you have no idea how hard it is to literally not sleep for over 24 hours and still have to feed your child.
Oh you my pregnancy was so bad, I had horrible back pain, sciatic nerve pain, and am still going to physical therapy 9 months postpartum.
I have plenty of examples that I could share just like this. But here is the thing… why would I? At this point in her pregnancy and parenting journey, does she really need my baggage and my difficult experiences? She is already worried about having a miscarriage and she is newly pregnant. She is just getting started.
I can absolutely empathize with the other moms. Yes, parenting is very difficult. Yes, a first time parent has a gigantic learning curve. Yes, there are times when you have no idea what you are doing and it can be terrifying. You are responsible for another person, their well-being, their development, and all the things that a parent knows they are responsible for.
I was just shocked at the intense focus on what could go wrong and what was difficult. Where is the joy, the love, the happiness? I believe it is from the shock modern mothers are experiencing when transitioning from an individual person who can be as selfish as possible to a mother who has to be as selfless as possible.
This is what I shared with my friend (as best as I can recall it).
Becoming a mother is the biggest growth you will ever experience in your life. It is beautiful and painful. You shed some parts of yourself to grow into the mother your child needs you to be.
You will literally want to squish, snuggle, squench, boop, sniff, kiss, tickle, and do all kinds of other loving things with your little baby. I am so excited for you to have those precious little moments with your baby. The first few months are hard until that one moment when your baby smiles the cutest toothless grin at you. Ughhh… my mama heart is just aching to go back to that moment with my son. Those are the moments that carry you when times are tough.
You will have no idea what you are doing and that is totally fine. No one does. Every single mother has to learn. Learn by doing things - try, try, and try again. You’ll figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Be a team with your husband. Talk to him, share your concerns, share your laughs, and share the precious moments with him. Above all else, be a team.
There are no shortcuts in parenting. You have to put in the work, the time, and the energy. You can’t outsource parenting to people or technology. Parenting is an in-the-trenches, 24-hour, 7-day-week responsibility.
You have to show up. It is the simplest and hardest thing, especially the first few months. You will be exhausted and stressed because you are learning while being sleep deprived. Find the will to get up, to be there, to just show up for your baby.
Your time of being selfish is over. Your priority is to be selfless for your child and that is a very difficult change to make.
You will become obsessed with your baby. You will basically breathe, think, dream, and talk about your baby more than you could ever imagine. Do it. Tell people about your baby. Share their story. They are amazing and precious and deserve for their story to be told to as many people as possible.
My friend and I talked about SO much. I don’t think I sugarcoated anything but I just shared with her what my experience has been. I think other moms are trying to share that too but it comes across as parenting with regret, or malice, or frustration, or maybe even anger? My friend told me that after us talking she felt like she has a much better outlook on being a mother than she did before.
I really took that to heart because I know where the other moms are coming from. Sometimes things just didn’t go the way they thought, or maybe they are working through postpartum, or any other stress that could be impacting their life. Or, perhaps they are still working through the person they used to be before becoming a mother. Like I said, I believe a difficult shift for modern parents to make is from being selfish (only have to worry about themselves) to being selfless for another person who is literally helpless.
I just want my friend to know that parenting is difficult AND there is so much more to parenting than just those difficult times. I would love for the experience of welcoming a new, first-time mother into the parenting community to be more positive.
When you told other people about your pregnancy, what was your experience?
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