When do you become an adult?
This is a question I’ve been wrestling with over the past few weeks. When is the moment when a person is considered an adult? Apparently, Google states an adult is someone who is “fully grown or developed,” well that’s not really helpful but thanks Google search. How society defines an adult doesn’t seem to be based on someone who is fully grown or developed. American society has ceremonial events that mark certain milestones in life such as graduating high school and turning 21.
Yet, there is not a specific ceremony recognizing a child as an adult. I know many people who have enlisted in the military as soon as able, does that make them an adult? What about people who get married at a “young age?” I’m assuming they are adults but I’m not so sure.
If we stick with the response from Google that being an adult means you are a fully grown or developed person, then we should look more at the age of 25. This is when a human’s brain is actually fully developed. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, finishes development at age 25.
I am 30 years old. Not considering any other factors besides human anatomy, I have only been an adult for 5 years. I reflect on all the decisions I’ve made in high school, college, relationships, financials, living arrangements, and so much more before I was considered an adult. How those decisions have put me on the path I’m on now. So much to reflect on as I am becoming an “experienced” adult…
To paint you a picture of who I am right now, let me share some details with you.
Like I said, I’m 30 years old. I will be celebrating 7 years of marriage to my husband this August. I am a mother to one son who just turned 2-years-old. I have two mini-australian shepherds (who are 3 and 5 years old) and one tiny, black cat (who is 8 years old). I’ve bought and sold multiple homes, lived in multiple states, and traveled the country. I also have been a full-time employee in health systems for 10 years, have two college degrees, and recently earned a project management certification.
I pay a mortgage, own a car, have limited debt, and am saving for retirement. I do laundry, dishes, meal prep, and all other household chores when running a house. I host holiday parties, like Thanksgiving, each year for my family. I plan play dates for my son, take him to all of his appointments, and plan out his childcare on a daily basis. I have an exercise routine, enjoy a tall glass of champagne, and stay up too late at night when I should really go to bed.
Based on all of that… I would say yes, absolutely, I’m an adult right now.
There have been a few crystal clear moments in my life where I have actually felt like an adult:
Landing my first full-time job at 20 years old.
Hearing the words from my Mom and my Dad when they each told me they had cancer.
Saying yes to marrying Joe when he asked me.
Learning that my brother was being deployed overseas on a Marine Expedition Unit.
Deciding to move completely across the country from Michigan to Utah, selling our house, and leaving everyone we knew behind.
Making difficult health decisions about my fertility.
Holding my son for the first time.
Making decisions about my son’s healthcare, childcare, lifestyle, and outside influences.
Changing careers for the first time after becoming a parent.
Supporting my husband, father-in-law, and brother-in-law as my mother-in-law unexpectedly and suddenly passed away.
I think you can agree that every single one of these moments is a huge, life-defining event. If I close my eyes, I can see those moments with intense clarity, can feel how I felt during those moments, and can see that version of myself in those moments.
I did not feel like an adult when:
I graduated high school, college, or graduate school.
I got my first apartment and lived by myself.
I was in and out of relationships as a young woman.
I turned 21 and could tear up the town.
My boyfriend, now husband, and I moved in together.
I became a pet owner, and I seriously love my pets.
We bought our house that is now our home where we are raising our son.
Other than those clearly defined and significant moments in my life, I still feel like a kid who has no idea what I am doing, someone who is not viewed as an adult responsible for themselves, and definitely not someone who is a parent raising another human being.
Over the past two weeks, though, I absolutely feel like an adult because of the position I am in now. My mother-in-law, Karolynn, passed away unexpectedly two weeks ago. She needed a pacemaker and died at the hospital from medical complications. The shock waves are still rippling through our family and our hearts.
Karolynn has two sons, Joe (my husband) and Chris, and is survived by her husband, Lee. Karolynn was one of nine siblings, a god mother, and an amazing friend. I was her only daughter-in-law and my son was her only grandson. When Karolynn unexpectedly passed away, there were many things that needed to be done and I was asked to step up and support the family through this very trying time.
The past few weeks have been, again, a crystal clear moment when I actually feel like an adult. I feel like I need to know what I am doing, that I need to show up and be the right version of myself for each person in my life, and that I am capable of making really difficult decisions. We are in crisis mode and I was asked to assemble the troops - literally, my father-in-law called me the General once. He said “the General is here and can tell us what we need to do. We are lost without our General.”
I was honored and terrified at the same time. I’ve never been “in charge” of planning a visitation, funeral, and burial. I’ve always been the kid who is grieving and shows up where and when she is told to. I’m not the person behind the curtain telling the other adults what to do… but actually… I was this time.
Through my own grief and processing, I had to think about how I was showing up for the guys in my life - my husband, my brother-in-law, and my father-in-law. Karolynn was their mother and his wife. She deserves the utmost respect, dignity, and gratitude for who she was as a person and who they remember her to be. I needed to understand and respect that while I was approaching all of the planning and decisions that had to be made.
What I decided to do was take on what I knew I could handle and what I was good at. I also decided to share everything I was doing with the guys and give them 2-3 options to pick from. They made all of the decisions. I just did the legwork for them. Picking out the clothes for her visitation - I went through all of her clothes and picked out 3 good options for them to choose from. I found all of her printed photographs, her photo albums, and her framed photos and asked the guys to pick their favorite ones for the poster boards. I worked with the funeral home to pick dates, times, and logistics for the visitation, church service, luncheon, and burial - the guys made all the final decisions. I wrote her obituary and asked the guys to review and edit it before it was finalized.
Planning a visitation, funeral, luncheon, and burial is like planning a mini-wedding just with the wrong emotions and a very limited timeline.
I was the adult in this situation and good grief did I feel like the adult. I still feel like the adult even though I am the youngest one out of the four of us. The least experienced in life and yet the most trusted during this whole process. I have been so grateful for their trust, their respect, and their gratitude for allowing me to help and walk them through this process. A process that I myself am only just learning as we walked through it together.
In all of my reflections over the past two weeks since my mother-in-law has passed… I keep asking myself, why am I the one who has been so trusted to make all of this happen? I’m not an adult. I’m just a kid.
Well.. not right now. I know I am an adult even in times of uncertainty. Adulting is the hardest and realest thing I have done over the past two weeks. I’m not sure if I will still feel like an adult a week from now but right now, I know I am an adult.
